Jeff Bridges – Hold on You

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“I’ve been high and I’ve been low; I’ve been people that I don’t know.”

 

 

Stressful weekend much.

As you should know if you read the last post, I ran into a rough patch with a friend. Just as it seemed to be getting much better, boom. Fan hit the shit. Friday pretty much mirrored the intensity of 2009 and I have honestly only ever felt emotional torment like that once in my entire life. All of the plans I had for the day and the night fell through the floor and the rough patch turned into a sinkhole that almost made me lose the most important person in my life. Then, friends to the rescue.

On Saturday we watched Case 39 – it was nothing special; really seemed quite rushed at the end, and I don’t think I’d recommend it. That said, the slower parts of the film at the start were really quite powerful and epic. It would’ve been better if the whole film was like that, but hey, it was still enjoyable and took my mind off of things. Afterwards, we dived home to grab some food then headed back out for the remainder of the night; we walked in a huge circle just talking about stuff, hating the world and scaring random people just by being sixteen, wearing a hood and walking on the same side of the street as them. People are idiots. I’m wearing a hood because it’s fucking cold; I’m keeping my hands in my pockets because it’s… well, it’s fucking cold down there too; I’m taking my hand out of my pocket when passing you because I got a text; we’re walking in a two-man wolfpack because we’re friends; it’s dark because akod8pa9y2awdas̜̳͎͍̩̐̅͐̔̋̒̿ͪ́͘a̐ͫ͛̔̈ͣ͆̑̍҉̳͎̜̖͎͚͚͉̰̭͡͡ͅͅk̡̧͙̠͇̜̦̩̯̙̤̼͕̼͓͈̆̓̓͒ͤͧ̆ͧ́̍ͨͫ̋͋̃̚̚͜m̸̭̗͖̖̬̜̤̪͙͇̘̖̮̲̲͔̟ͦ̃̔̋ͬ̀̋̄́́͞d̵̵̴̛̩̤͍̣̞̻͙̭̠̲̣͚̤̳̤̝͕̟ͧ̓͌ͪ̂͡

Anyway, humanity’s flaws aside, it was fun to see the sights so late at night. Six year old chavs drinking on the beach that give you really evil stares as if they’re going to kill you – only in Edinburgh. Regardless, it was a good night in my opinion. Topped off by a fairly good night as far as MSN conversations go, cheers to everyone who was keeping me entertained then (drunk or otherwise).

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Then, after about two hours of sleep due to staring at the ceiling and stressing about everything, it was time to do it all again. Turns out that there was one more film that looked decent after Case 39, and that was Crazy Heart. I can honestly say that I was blown away by it. Basically, it’s the story of a washed up alcoholic who was a successful country musician at one time in his life. His career took a nosedive and he ended up touring the southwest, playing one night stands in small bars, with little to no money and serious alcoholism. He thinks his career is never going to go anywhere and just wallows in his addiction until he falls in love; from there on, his life starts to look up. HE manages to let the alcoholism annihilate his relationship, which just so happens to be the kick he needs to seek help and get rid of the habit.

I know it sounds really generic, but trust me on this one, it’s so much more than a generic film about a washed up country musician. Jeff Bridges just takes the film to a new level of awesomeness; probably the best acting I’ve seen in years. That said, he didn’t with an Oscar for best actor for no reason, did he? One of the songs won the writers a golden globe too, which probably gives you an idea of how great the soundtrack to the movie is (the embedded song is one of my favourites). Don’t torrent it; the cinema experience makes it even more epic, believe me.

Johnny Cash – We’ll Meet Again

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“Keep smilin’ through, just like you always do,
Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away.”

 

 

Firstly, a few apologies: I said I’d post this a while ago, but I ran into a rough patch with one of my friends and it took priority over everything else in my life. Thankfully, it seems we’ve emerged from it stronger than ever, albeit with a bit of work to do. I don’t know if you read this at all (let me know if you do, should be interesting to find out) but I want to remind you of this fact: I love you no matter what; if I scream at you, I still love you; if you scream at me, I still love you; if I tell you I don’t love you, I still love you.

So, The Crazies – a film I’ve wanted to see for a long time. It was surprisingly packed compared to From Paris with Love; people were struggling to get seats, whereas there was about a row between each person for a film which was, in my opinion, just as good if not better. There was also a guy in leathers down front who made it his sole purpose to cause as much annoyance and frustration as possible by maintaining background noise (Onomnom! *rustle* Omnom! *rustle*). It, however, would’ve been more packed if people had bothered to show up… again. Have to love the asocial people who just don’t ever do anything, amirite?

Anyway, with the obligatory cinema rant over, onto the film. It was bloody good, to put it simply. It started off nice and slow-paced, just like sex with your mother, while introducing the central characters and townsfolk and really reinforcing a point: the town starts off as an innocent, easy-going place. The infection was also introduced really nicely, with it spreading faster and faster as time passed, just like your mother’s legs, which allowed an amazing build up of tension. Then the tension explodes, the action action hits and it’s like watching a completely different movie; the change is so drastic, yet the transition was flawless. It was also one of the movies that I like; a movie where the main character(s) are not invulnerable and they do tend to get their arses handed to them like the mortals they are supposed to be. The ending was really interesting, too: at first it seems like a generic apocalyptic ending, then they add a really nice twist in the final seconds (which I won’t spoil, you’re all going to go see this as soon as possible, too).

Next up is Case 39, after which it would appear we’re out of decent films to go watch… any recommendations for films in the near future?

The Subways – Rock and Roll Queen

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“You are so cool; you are so rock and roll.”

 

 

John Travolta is a hero.

As you’ve probably guessed (or haven’t if you’ve been living under a rock this year, which you shouldn’t have been because that won’t save you) I went to see From Paris with Love on Friday with friends. Oh wait, only one actually showed up; nothing new there. I’d have a massive rant right now, but there’s really no point when people disregard what you think and live in a bubble of their own false beliefs about themselves.

Anyway, we didn’t actually go to see From Paris with Love in the first place but the bus broke down and we missed the film we were going to see (which was The Crazies, if you were wondering). So, we noticed that From Paris with Love was showing in a few minutes and went “John Travolta, gogo!” I’m actually glad that our bus broke down because missing that film would’ve been pretty bad. That said, it would’ve been a very average film without Travolta to bring his manly humour to the table.

I’ll try to summarise the plot without spoiling too much (because you’re all going to go see it as soon as possible): the US ambassador’s personal aide, James Reece, has a secret side job as a low-level CIA agent; that is his true passion. He’s overjoyed when offered his first real assignment, which consists of getting Charlie Wax (played by John Travolta) through customs and escorting him on his mission. James reluctantly follows Wax around on an epic counter-terrorist killing spree, punctuated by hilarity, which has him praying that he didn’t accept the job. It turns out that Reece is much more involved in the mission than he first believes, which leads him to new discoveries about his life and himself. I won’t go into much more detail, as anything beyond that is a massive spoiler; you’ll have to see for yourself. :)

If everything goes to plan, we’ll be seeing The Crazies sometime tomorrow and I’ll try to throw up some sort of review; at the very least, I’ll say whether I recommend it or not. That’s all for now though, because I’m not feeling great so I’m going to crawl back into bed and die.

Alesana – The Thespian

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“I touch your lips and stare in your eyes; you smile and it makes me fly.”

 

 

So, at long last, Alesana (one of my favourite bands for those of you who don’t know) have released their new album. Taking a break from their mythology-based albums, they’ve crafted a concept album that rivals Sixx:A.M.’s. I’ve always loved Alesana, but this album just blows everything they’ve ever made before out of the water – I love it. As far as I’m aware, the basic concept was drawn from Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘Annabel Lee’ and they fleshed out the story from there. An example of the narration within the album:

“The night sky feels as though it has never been darker. With the fleeting hope of vengeance compelling me, I will attempt to recollect myself and resume my chase. But what is it that I am chasing? Am I really chasing anything at all, or am I simply drowning myself in revenge to avoid the horrifying truth: I have lost the only thing that made me feel truly alive? Are my hands responsible; are his? Who was he; who was the madman who stood before me tonight? I swear I’ve seen his face before… I know I’ve seen his face before.”

Basically, the album is narrated by one man with two distinct personalities: an innocent man, convinced that his lover was murdered, who wants to avenge her death then rejoin her in heaven; and a murderous madman, hell bent on tormenting the innocent personality and preventing this man from doing what he wishes. An artist and a murderer. As you can see from above, the man who “stood before” him that night was actually his reflection in a mirror, symbolic of this completely different person who shares his body.

Now, I don’t know how many of you appreciate the meanings of songs, but this is one of the most powerful albums I have ever listened to. Sure, it may not be conformist so many people will just brush it off as “screamo bullshit” but, at the end of the day, that just makes it even more amazing. Alesana made this album because they have a passion for music, not because they knew it would sell millions. Alesana’s poetic lyrics used to always amaze me, but this album took it a step further: I sat and stared at the lyrics as I listened through for the first time, not doing anything else until it was finished. To top that all off, they’re touring internationally for a month or four to support the album launch. If anybody’s up for attending (King Tut’s Wah-Wah Hut, 19 April; supported by A Skylit Drive and Bury Tomorrow), give me a yell.

 

http://alesanaofficial.com/

In Flames – The Quiet Place

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“Everything’s in place; so much brighter from today.
A king, in my own mind.”

 

 

So, prelims are over – I’ll have all my results soon enough and throw them up here when I can. The prelim leave was… amazing, to say the least. I went into the prelims feeling horrible – both mentally and physically – and came out of them with newly found positivity: my confidence is slowly growing, as is my self-esteem; my nightmares are slowly fading away and being replaced with much happier dreams, allowing me to start to fix my serious lack of sleep; my battle to give positive feedback and affection is won, so much so that I am giving more affection than ever before to certain people; and my outlook on my future has been kicked up a notch. You can probably guess the root cause of these things if you look deep enough into the list, but I’m not going to explain it here – it’s a private matter that I will already have discussed with you if I trust you enough with such things. Otherwise, just know that I am feeling better than ever.

The lack of content stops here, watch the space.

Silverstein – Your Sword Versus My Dagger

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“Tragic endings are your thing: you love them; you love letting go – the ending’s the same.
Drink the poison when you think it’s over; inevitable: Verona lives inside of you.”

 

 

Preliminary exams – mock exams for all of you who aren’t Scottish (which is everyone because I live here, alone, in a hut with my sheep) – started on Wednesday which means a number of things: preliminary exams (go figure) to sit, a break from school and a stark reminder that I’m not pulling my weight in classes these days. I’ve just been attempting to cram right before each prelim so that I can do fairly well with minimal revision – my grades will tell me just how much more revision is required; presumably a lot. Ah well, at least I’m back on my feet now: it’s better to be failing these prelims, with plenty of time left to prepare for the final exams, than to be failing the final exams full stop.

English has to be the weirdest subject right now, though: I was really trying to grasp Romeo & Juliet so that I could at least pass one of the essays and, however weird this is going to be to hear, I think I’m in love with it. Take the embedded song for example: it’s a song about a relationship which has just ended – he feels that the girl gave up before it was over, so to speak; making things seem worse than they are. The first time I heard it, I figured it was just a generic “my girlfriend left me” song; now I consider it to be one of the most powerful songs I’ve ever heard. Obviously, Romeo and Juliet both took their own lives because they felt that things were inevitable; this is where the last verse of the song comes from. “Drink the poison when you think it’s over” refers to Juliet taking her life over Romeo and “stabbing yourself when you think it’s too late” refers to Romeo stabbing himself when he thought Juliet was dead (she wasn’t, but his suicide led to her genuine suicide); both of which were very overdramatic and naïve. “Verona lives inside of you” is pretty self-explanatory: Verona was the setting for Romeo & Juliet; a place which held unfathomable amounts of tragedy and drama, all of which was quite easily avoidable – they brought about their own demise through their naïveté (inb4 Frenchfag). Whoever left him, in his opinion, left because she feels secure with tragic endings; they are her “thing” – she did not leave him because their relationship was unsalvagable; she gave up on him. I think we can all relate to that in one way or another; this song especially poignant for me at this moment in time. Alas, some things are, ironically, inevitable.

Something I’ve been considering doing is writing an “About the Author” page and I was wondering what you all – the readers; my friends – thought on the subject. It may just turn into a massive outpour of emotion like it did the last time (which I’m sure we all remember well). Do you guys want me to work on said page or would you rather I just posted something similar to this instead? Both, maybe? I think it’d be good to reflect on the person I am these days, even if only to compare it to who I was a year ago and who I was four months ago.

Ultimately, this post is just filler – I’m genuinely trying to use these few weeks to do two things: work on my mental state and develop a better work ethic. With this comes the sacrifice of free time, therefore I won’t be able to post anything substantial until they’re all over. I have a few things that I want to write about, so don’t worry; in time, the floodgates shall open.

InMe – In Loving Memory

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“You love and respect someone so deeply;
You lose them for your own self odium.”

 

 

I don’t know if I’m biased, but this year seems to have been unbelievably bad compared to other years. Think of how many influential celebrities died this year, you can probably think of a good five or so; think of how many influential celebrities died last year – I can only think of one. There’s also everything that’s gone on: nearly everybody I know also regards this as the worst year of their lives. Thankfully, the year’s almost over. With New Year comes reflection on the year as a whole and I really feel like I owe my life to everyone who has been there for me this year. This post is dedicated to those people, I love every single one of you.

 

Aimee

I didn’t really talk to you until the year was almost over but you’ve helped me as much, if not more, than most people. Ever since we started talking, I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery; you were the catalyst. I see my life and future in a much more positive light these days which would never have happened without your ability to make me feel comfortable enough to talk about things. As if that wasn’t enough, you were also there for me during the emotional rollercoaster that followed. As you said, we’re like two sides of a coin; you seem to be the only one who fully understands everything I tell you and you say that you feel the same way. I promise you, no matter how long it takes, I will help you overcome your “emotional hurdles” and really flourish. You already feel like my sister. Love ya. (:

 

Alex

I don’t know if the ways in which you helped me are obvious, but I can assure you that you’ve helped a lot. You’ve been the guiding hand in my journey through higher education thus far and I have no doubt you’ll continue to offer guidance if and when it is required. On top of that, you’re one of the few people that are frequently online in the wee hours of the morning and never fail to keep my spirits up; you’re always there for some entertainment, whether it’s cynical nonsense or gaming. I suppose you’re the older brother that I never had.

 

Brad

You’re another one who probably doesn’t realise how much you’ve helped. Hell, all that you’ve really done is ask how I’m doing on a regular basis and lend me your ear when I need to talk to someone; that is more than I could have asked for. I know I can rely on you when I need to confide in someone, even if we’re not the closest two people in the world. The random hugs always made shitty days a little bit better, too. Thanks for being there for me.

 

Chris

The one who feeds me random bands to listen to instead of working in Maths. Maths is probably the hardest subject for me to get through; I couldn’t have got this far in the course without you, man. If your band takes off, I’ll do everything possible to promote you guys and I’ll be in the centre of the pits at every gig. Despite the distractions, you still somehow managed to help me catch up on months of work in a couple of days without doing any work out of class. I don’t know how you did it, but I can’t fucking thank you enough for it. Throw the E.P. at me when it’s finished, I’ll spread it (unless you plan to sell it :p).

 

Craig

We’ve been friends for around twelve years now, sure there have been some rough times, but we’re still as close as possible. You’re the one that was there for me after losing Carla and you haven’t left my side since; I have no doubt that you saved my life numerous times. I’m aware that I’ve probably made your life pretty shit, in the past and this year with my volatility, and for that I’m truly sorry. Now that I’m on the way back up again, it’s time to make up for the shit I put you through. Thanks for sticking by me through everything, man.

 

Elliot

Maybe another that isn’t so obvious. There are times that I’ve been feeling shit, sitting playing Modern Warfare 2 on my own and just sinking lower, when you’ve asked for an invite out of the blue. Maybe it’s a simple, meaningless action but to me it means a lot just to have company for a while. I hardly know you but I’ve been getting to know you better over the past few months, hopefully this will continue; you’re a great friend. Cheers for the good times.

 

Felix

Well, I think we can safely say that it’s been a rough year for our relationship; we’ve bounced between love and hate so many times that I’ve lost count. Regardless of this, I think we’ve finally flattened things out and the future looks bright. Despite our differences, you’ve always been there for me when I needed you most; unconditional love, I’d say. Whatever happens in the future, you know that I love you and I’ll always be here for you. We both seem to have changed drastically as people in the past few months, so I believe it’s time to get to know each other again. I forgive you for everything you’ve done, I just hope that you can also forgive me. Love you, man.

 

Freddy

You still feel like my big sister brother, except now you’re my big sister brother who’s never free to talk. I feel like I owe you a lot for how much you’ve been here for me; for your words of wisdom. Without you, the year would’ve been so much harder to handle. Thanks for being open enough to share your experiences in life with me, they really have helped me handle things in a better way. Whenever you’re free from the threat of studying for exams, give me a shout; we have a lot of catching up to do.

 

Greg

I guess you’re my “partner in crime”. Even when you were barely aware of what was going on, you were there to support me; you’re always up for doing something when I feel like I have to get out of my house suddenly, even just to aimlessly walk to nowhere in particular. You’re one of the few people I’m certain will never stab me in the back no matter what happens and I know you’ll be there for me whenever I need help. Plus you’ve been my source of decent anime over the years, so you saved me from having Bleach shoved down my throat (oh dear, connotations). Cheers, man.

 

Joe

I don’t even. You were my company in the land of Guild Wars when I hit rock bottom, which actually took my mind off of things and let me relax. Shit got rough recently, but I think we’ve got through that now. Thanks for being there all day, every day; I couldn’t have handled things without you forcing me to play Guild Wars. Sorry for all of the shit I put you through over the past few months, I don’t mean to do it. Cheers for sticking by me despite my shit.

 

Lauren

I love you more than words can describe; I don’t want to hurt you. I know that you feel like I don’t care anymore and I don’t really love you, but I do; I’m just not ready nor willing to have another relationship. Consider your experience with relationships, then consider how difficult a relationship is when distance is a factor. I don’t want a relationship with you… because I love you, as stupid as that sounds; because I don’t want to see you hurt. We were somewhat forced to be friends when we lost Rachel and I guess we clicked. I don’t think either of us would’ve been able to handle losing her without each other. Your parties were really helpful in getting through everything; alas, life has put an end to those. One day in the future I’ll throw a party for you; you deserve it. Thanks for standing by me after all this time. Love ya. (:

 

Shaun

The late-night man who shares my lack of caring for humanity. As you say, our relationship didn’t start off on the best of terms but I now value you dearly as a friend. I know you said you felt guilty for how you acted, but honestly, don’t; you didn’t know what was going on in my life. You’ve more than made up for it with the support you’ve given me recently; I hope that I have also made up for the way I treated you. Your opinion on screamo is still shit, though. ;)

 

Sean

You were the only person around when I was off school and, to be honest, I doubt I’d be here writing this if you weren’t there to listen to my shit that day. We were never really close before then, but now I can honestly say that you’re one of my few close friends. We’ve had some hilarious early-morning gaming sessions recently – “waste of virginity and life” – which really make the mornings less depressing. You were there for me in my time of need, now it’s my turn to repay the favour – I’m here for you whenever you need me.

 

Here’s to 2010.

Lostprophets – Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters and the Story of a Lonely Girl

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“There’s no destiny when everyone’s your enemy;
Take your jealous heart and cast it into stone.
You’ll regret it all, living behind your wall,
And you’ll never fall in love if you don’t fall at all.”

 

 

I hate people by default until they prove they’re not backstabbing, good for nothing, self-centred idiots. It’s sort of a stance that grew on me based on the people I met throughout my life so far. Now I’m officially an adult, I’ve really started reconsidering this stance. If I hate people from the outset, I’m going to lose out on a lot of fun times and good friends. On the other hand, if I don’t hate people by default, I will be wronged numerous times in the course of my life. There’s no way to find a balance between the two; it’s pretty black and white. So do I shut people out and make my way through life with the few friends I have; or do I give everyone a fair chance before I walk away?

I managed to throw away all of my doubts with someone recently, and I now have a friend that I know is a friend for life. Lucky? Maybe. Enlightening? Yes. I guess it took this to make me see how different life is when you disregard your doubts and throw away the mistrust. I still don’t know what my stance should be, though; I think that giving everyone a fair chance to prove themselves is the best way to go. After all, you can’t really live unless you take risks – this applies to social interaction too. Then again, we all know what happened when that was my stance, don’t we?

That said, I suppose it would be silly to let one experience cloud my judgement. Maybe, then, it is purely a trust (and anxiety, I suppose) issue which needs to be sorted. How do I solve this: do I force myself to meet and open up to new people; do I become a hermit until I regain some form of trust in humanity; or do I go on as I am and hope that it sorts itself out? Crossroads aren’t so fun, every road could lead to shit; maybe every road does lead to shit.

A related issue is the number of enemies I have and the hatred that I hold. I’m sure it was Shaun that pointed me to the quote that started me thinking about this: “Hate is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies.” It really does eat you up inside, especially when the people you hate get on with their lives and take no notice of you. Now, I’m not saying that I wish to be friends with my enemies but I’d like to flatten out the rough patches and at least be civil with them, even if I still dislike who they are.

So, as we head into the new year, it seems that I have my New Year’s resolution: I want to work on my social anxiety, confidence and trust; I want to meet new people, make new friends; I want to start repaying the people who have stood by me – who have never faltered – by being there for them as they are for me; and I want to sort things out with those who I’m not on the best of terms with – I suppose this one is another crucial step in moving on and creating a (somewhat) new life.

All in all, it’s been a pretty rough year – hopefully New Year will draw a line between my past and my future (that sounds insane, but you get the point) and will be a real turning point in my life. In fact, ever since I first spoke to the person I mention earlier (whose name I won’t mentioned in case they don’t want it said here) my outlook on life has started to change for the better. After all, it’s the first time I have really trusted someone enough to let them in and I have been met only with warmth and friendship. In turn, this has had a very positive impact on my confidence. I don’t know if you read this, but thanks. Maybe humanity isn’t so bad after all.

Here’s to the future.

Mercenary – Redefine Me

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“Feel this elusive dream that’s growing; flowing into view.”

 

 

Aight, Freddy indirectly tagged me to answer some generic questionnaire thing. With that in mind, here’s a post that will hopefully answer none of the questions.

It’s almost Christmas and I’m not sure whether I’m excited or not – it just makes me feel hollow. I don’t understand it. I buy gifts for people, they buy gifts for me; why don’t I just buy myself gifts? That said, it does give me the break from school that I need. I have a literal mountain of work to catch up on which I can hopefully have done by the end of the break. Two weeks to catch up on two months’ worth of work shouldn’t be too difficult considering the fact that I’ll be pulling my weight at the weekends too. Besides, I don’t have to touch computing because I could pass that without attending. It’s not going to be the most enjoyable two weeks of my life but I only have myself to blame for allowing myself to crumble.

On that subject, I believe I’ve managed to find closure on the past after all this time. I had a long discussion with a friend about almost everything: love and hate; life and death; suicide; and depression. When I say a long discussion, it was easily three hours long and very possibly longer. I’m ready to stop living in the past now that I’ve truly got my thoughts in order. It’s fair to say that your experiences in life shape you, and I’m starting to like the person I am. I have a backbone, unlike most humans; I know the meaning of loyalty, honour and chivalry; and I sure know more about the world than most people my age. Emotional depth is awesome once you actually assert your control over it. Recently I was told that I wear my scars like an angel, now I understand what that meant.

Obviously, with closure comes reflection. I really need to sit and make a new post dedicated to the people who have been there for me throughout and are still standing by me. I think I’ll start that tomorrow although it might take a while to word right, we’ll see.

In other news, the oh-so-ironic in oh-so-many ways movement to make Rage Against the Machine – “Killing in the Name” the Christmas number one was successful. People are regarding it as a massive success. Is it really? To show defiance at the money-making machine that is Sony BMG, Britain has forced “Killing in the Name” to take the number one spot. Uh, hello? Rage Against the Machine’s parent company is Sony BMG. Also, to quote: “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.” You just did. Not only did you do what people told you to, you happened to feed “the machine” even more money than it was generating from X Factor. I’m sure the CEO of Sony BMG is bathing in liquid gold right now because of this “defiance”.

Bah humbug.

 

Edit:

So, in other words: I remember my past, almost as if it happened yesterday; I dislike Christmas, work and hypocritical movements; I like emotional depth, my friends and closure; and I have recently been listening to Mercenary – “Redefine Me”, Rage Against the Machine – “Killing in the Name”, and Christmas songs (obviously, it’s Christmas and they’re unavoidable). I think I failed at not answering the questions. In which case, I also tag Freddy.

Sixx:A.M. – Girl With Golden Eyes

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“She speaks to me in Persian, tells me that she loves me, the girl with golden eyes;
And, though I hardly know her, I let her in my veins and trust her with my life.”

 

 

Ever had the urge to try narcotics just for the experience; to know what it feels like? Read this book and you’ll feel like you’ve experienced every moment of Nikki Sixx’s addiction. I can say without hesitation that this is both the most beautifully written and most powerful book I have ever read. Admittedly, I was a bit backwards and listened to the soundtrack first (and listened to it while reading) and I have to say that it’s amazing how much reading the book changed my appreciation of his songwriting. For example, in the embedded song, the first line is: “She speaks to me in Persian, tells me that she loves me, the girl with golden eyes.” The first time I heard it, it sounded like a somewhat generic love song. Then, once I’d read the diary, I realised that Persian heroin is the first experience Sixx had with injecting. He was drunk and his dealer offered to shoot him up, an offer that he accepted, causing him to overdose and be taken to a clinic. I shit you not, every single line has so much more depth after learning the ins and outs of his past.

Enough about the soundtrack, though: the book is a great read. Sixx’s motley (pun intended) attitude is really reflected in The Heroin Diaries – there is no fear of being brutally honest, talking about the gritty reality of things or admitting mistakes. In many ways, this makes the book powerful to the point that many people may find it to be slightly too gritty and real. However, I am one of those who can appreciate Sixx’s honesty and openness about his past; I respect his ability to admit his mistakes and desire to prevent others from making those same mistakes.

After each day’s entry, there is some commentary from Sixx or his friends – sometimes even people that used to be his friend but now hate him. As he said himself, he wanted every emotion caused by his actions to be documented to paint a picture of addiction in its true colours. It worked. I can safely say that I will never even consider touching hard drugs, no matter how rough life gets. I think they should stop giving shitty lessons about drug abuse in schools and just give out free copies of this book, it sure educated me more on the actual effects of drug use, beyond the “It makes you feel good for a bit, then makes you feel shit for a bit” approach of schools.

Now, while I am not an addict in any form of the word, I could really relate to the emotions that Sixx conveyed in his book: the feeling of worthlessness which came from his depression; thoughts that his death would make everyone’s lives easier; fighting your way out of a really dark situation (in his case, a heroin addiction; in my case, depression) only to relapse mere weeks later; and, possibly strongest, the way that the changes in his personality reflected in his friends. No matter how perfect you think your life has been, you will be able to relate to at least one aspect of the book. Believe me, I have so much more respect for addicts, especially those who fought their addiction and won, now than I ever had in the past. If you can’t relate to the emotions conveyed, then there is a near infinite amount of other things that you may be able to relate to: the emotions of those closest to him and his troubled childhood being one of a few.

Perhaps the most powerful part of the book was the very first diary entry. It’s quite remarkable that the very first thing he wrote in his diary would serve as the hook in his later published book; ironic, no? The day he started the diary was Christmas Day – a day that most people spend being happy with their friends and family, worry free. Sixx’s Christmas was a completely different story:

 

December 25th, 1986 – Van Nuys.

Merry Christmas.

That’s what people say at Christmas, right? Except normally they have someone to say it to: they have friends and family; they haven’t been crouched naked under a Christmas tree with a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys; they’re not out of their minds; they’re not writing in a diary; and they’re definitely not watching their holiday spirit coagulate in a spoon. I didn’t speak to a single person today. I figured why should I ruin their fucking Christmas?

I’ve started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons: one, I have no friends left; two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before; and three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.

It’s just me and you, diary. Welcome to my fucking life.

Nobody would believe the shit that happens in my head, it’s haunted. Now that I’ve come down from the drugs it seems like a sick play that I saw in a theater somewhere.

Thirty minutes ago, I could’ve killed someone.

Or better yet, myself.

 

So then, with this teaser of the sort of powerful writing you can expect, I recommend you go buy the book. Five pounds to change the way you view addiction entirely; five pounds to increase your emotional depth significantly. As if that isn’t enough reason to go and buy the book right now, all of the profits generated by sales of the book and album go directly into Sixx’s charity established to help runaway teens who hate their home and life.

This is, without a doubt, the best book ever written with the most humble of intentions. Go get yourself a copy, I promise you won’t regret it.